Test Driving My Swiss Army Knife

Isn’t it funny how when you don’t really know how you are going to follow one amusing article with another, life provides the answer.

A few different things seem to have come into play that bought together,r provide the unlikely ingredient for an anecdote.

First of all I have started reading Jeremy Clarkson’s You Got Soul. A book where he comments about various machines and gives them the Top Gear review treatment. This kind of made me receptive to the idea of considering the merits of gadgets I have come across.

Then, I had to sit in at a fire training session this morning where we were shown various fire fighting systems on board . The one that comes to mind most is the sprinkler system that is present in every space on the ship. It is a special design nozzle that does not merely sprinkle but forms a mist of fine water particles that will cover a large surface area very quickly and with a minimum of liquid. The resulting action is that it cools the area and removes oxygen from the fire, thus tackling two sides of the triangle of fire. Design engineers spent decades developing this nozzle to optimise it’s efficiency.

Little did I know that later on in the day I was to inadvertently produce a similar effect using two household objects which I had in my cabin. My new Swiss army knife and a bottle of 1919 Maltese Red Wine.

Any one who has seen my office at home could be forgiven for thinking that it is a mess. Basically because it is full of junk that one day I will throw out. As I walk around the ship I sometimes get the opportunity to pear into fellow crew members cabins, and my surprise is that many of them appear to bring their junk with them. What do they do? Pack a second suitcase of crap to make them feel at home? I certainly do not. I get a kick out of being minimalist with my kit. My cabin is the most tidy environment I have ever existed in because I have no junk, everything I have is needed, removed from my large pink suitcase and stowed in the cupboards and drawers provided.

I have an inventory of kit which sustains my existence efficiently whilst at sea. It can be compacted into my Pink suitcase for travel. Everything has a purpose some things more than one, and needs to be fit for that purpose. My most precious possession and most used is my Laptop. It is my sheet music library, DVD player, CD player Typewriter, Communications, and a tool I use for many pastimes. I have a plastic box with several bobbins of different colours threads, thimble, Mini Scissors, three needles and an ingenious gadget for threading needles that never ceases to amaze me. I have spare pants socks, an Elton John Wig (Well you never know do you!) spare watch, mobile phone, two tubes of super glue (Stuck together) and one more addition to my collection, with all of it’s multi purpose properties, a Swiss Army Knife.

Over time I think I have owned several of these. They fall into several categories, Basic, Multi function and Multi function but crap! I have one in my cable case which I use when I am gigging which is fantastic. It is basic but it has a good blade and screwdriver bottle opener. When I first started cruising on boxing day 2006, as I packed my suitcase and peered through the top drawer in my dressing table at home I noticed another splendid example of a Multi Function Swiss army knife at the bottom of the drawer. That I thought is a must to have along with me.

To be honest I do not remember how I came to be the proud owner of such a useful looking piece of kit. Perhaps it was a present from a previous Christmas politely stowed in the top drawer and forgotten along with hairclips, earrings, nail files, batteries which belonged to a long departed wife. See when she left she didn’t feel the need to take anything with her from that drawer either. So there lies a monument to the folly of never throwing away junk!

So last night was my night off. The week before in Malta I had gone ashore and bought myself a bottle of red wine. During the week I collected a couple of glasses for my cabin so that I could eventually drink it. I retired to my cabin. James Bond was on. I know I thought I will have some wine whilst I watch the film.

So in the spirit of James Bond I took some time to study this wonderful gadget. I could almost hear “Q” saying “ Now pay attention 007 this is what on first glance appears to be a ten piece Swiss army knife. If you have one of these you have no need for any other tools. Observe bottle open attachment that doubles as a flat head screwdriver, can opener, two saw blades, scissors, posidrive screwdriver, nailfile, horses hoof manicure set , tweezers and if you are entertaining a cork screw!” Just what I need!

When I tried to actually use the cork screw, to my dismay as I twisted it into the soft cork it promptly straightened it’s self out so when I tried to remove the cork, the attachment rather more resembled a tooth pick. Well Q would have been right, at first glance this impressive piece of kit did appear to be a Swiss army knife. But!. It would appear, on closer inspection, it was in fact one of the multi functional but crap variety. Which you actually have no way of knowing merely from appearance. Until you try to use it!

On the second attempt to push the now almost perfectly straightened cork screw into the soft cork, it sheared off the knife body now permanently embedded in the cork. By now I needed a drink, and this excuse for a Swiss Army Knife needed to offer me a solution to open this bottle.

I will have to dig the cork out. I selected the can opener attachment and started excavating a ditch in the soft cork, using the tweezers to remove debris, after all I didn’t want cork pieces coming into contact with the wine. Once the hole was big enough, the saw attachment was engaged in a hope that the teeth might grip onto the cork to effect it’s removal. Next I selected the sharp blade and started slicing down through the soft cork. There was no stopping me now. I thought if I was able to push the blade through the cork I cold maybe cut it in two. Being careful not to have the sharp blade close on my fingers (I’m not stupid) I pushed evenly down on the blade as it started to slice through the soft cork.

Then in one swift unexpected movement, the cork decided to drive itself into the bottle with my full body weight behind it. The resulting plunger effect pressurised the wine into a red mist that exploded all over my cabin. Which would have given the fire sprinkler system a run for it’s money in terms of surface area coverage. My white bedclothes are spotted with wine. There is a large dripping patch on the ceiling, my shirt is damp, my bloody trousers are soaked and there are spots all over the carpet! When I tried to pour myself a glass, the cork prevented anything coming out of the bottle. I shook it slightly, and by now I had transferred this project into the sanctuary of my bathroom, the resulting torrent went all over my hands and left black stains on my sink and towels.

Had to use damp toilet paper to get the stains out of the carpet. Now I need a vacuum cleaner to remove the shards of damp toilet paper out of the carpet.

In Conclusion :-
This simple knife has succeeded in a mille second to convert my formally orderly cabin into something resembling the chaos of my office at home! Oh and my mini bar smells of stale corked wine. I hate the bloody Swiss! And I am going to throw away all my junk when I get home! Starting with all my Swiss Army Knive’s.